~幽微灵秀地~***

    I don't know how long i could stay like this. why it is so hard to love someone. is it the destiny of my love that i always do everything for somebody who will finly not belong to me? the humain world is surely difficult to understand and to be caught up. being used is the only end if we render without return.i just wanna to tell him my confusion and angriness,but i feel anxious that something important but which is not really exist  will be lost, even i know this is not at all reasonable, i just can not stop thinking it. self-deceving! finly, i know that i live in a world self-deceved. how could it disappears when it dosn't exist? maybe, i should let go, cause everything was wrong from the tbeginning-the movie, and the love; the futur and even the present.

    He says he never had the troubles,even though he has, when he is convinced his own logic system, that will no longer be a problem for him. however, would he always achieve some logic to resolve his troubles? even if he could,will he really do it according to his logic? maybe,i'm reasonless? unprincipled? perhaps，they are like a fragile vase,a decorate, glass decorate. really, i should not continue my love stories, love doesn't fit me, or i don't know how to love. live is real, utilitarian, but i still insist on my live built by my self, so hardly, just like a swallow which nests under the eaves and finly finds that this eave could not at all protect it from the rainstorm. but i have still a happy face. i make this happy face for whom? i have no idea. i said" i live for myself, whatever the others think about me" . do i? no! i care so much about the others opinions.i make the happy face just for lie to myself. could i continue this for how long time? i ask myself, and no answer forever! am i insane or stupid?! i am sad...

很久没有写东西了。过年也没写。明天是十五，过了十五，年就算过了。昨天是奶奶三年的忌日，爸爸妈妈前天已回老家。

过年这两周，日子过的突然慢起来。接着生病的原由，任性地给自己放了个大假。加上住在山下照看露露，更是一日不能离开，索性跟露露一样，呆在房子里足不出户。其实很想出门的，很想开着车去诺曼底看海。我常常想，我没有出生在海边一定是天宫的官员在生死簿上写错了地址，兴许那天他们也想给自己放了假，对工作也是敷衍了事罢了。于是天天念叨在嘴边的便是什么时候开车到海边去。去年夏天，就曾成功地怂恿两个朋友半夜出发，开车奔向诺曼底。小时候很少有机会出去玩的。出了国，天高皇帝远，自己便每年都放纵自己出去逛逛。去过四个地方，毫不犹豫地都选择了海边。

开车对于我有时候像大海一样，有瘾。出国前，借着在国外如果有驾照会比较容易找工作的借口，临阵磨枪般的把驾照拿到了手。无奈自己没车，虽然教练的表扬也十足让小女子我的虚荣心得到满足，但是完全没有实战经验的司机也只能是个不折不扣的马路杀手。去年夏天借工作的机会得到专家级的指导，练过两把才发现拿到那个小本本之后两年不碰方向盘，一切几于荒废。之后的半年陆续又有机会碰车，总算能够心平气和的在马路上跟车里的各个部门通力合作了。于是乎，驾车出游的心拦也拦不住地日日敲打着我。小时候有一个在机关里当司机的叔叔，他开得似乎是一辆北京吉普。那时候最神奇的就是我们被允许呆在驾驶位上空手摆活着佯装在开车的时候。叔叔曾经带我们去市里玩耍。不用挤公共汽车，不用在寒风里或者毒日头地下等着大人们排队买票，那时候就觉着这便是最高的优越感了。老爸也是梦想着自己能驾车出游的人，却因为妈妈对安全因素的考虑，始终没能准许加入开车一族。又想起近日看一本几年前的作品《死亡日记》，作者陆幼清也是个酷爱驾车的人。想来，驾车似乎代表着一种自由，一种掌握着离开或者归来的或者到任何其他地方的权利。